


A Fight, A Panic Attack, and A True Step Forward

by Aria_Lerendeair



Series: Facing the Fear of Forever [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec admitting he has problems too, Angst, Comforting, Communication, Cuddling, Forehead Kisses, Hurt/Comfort, Internal angst, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Panic Attacks, THESE BOYS WILL LEARN TO COMMUNICATE IF IT IS THE LAST THING I DO, accidental triggers, talking through problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24598609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria_Lerendeair/pseuds/Aria_Lerendeair
Summary: Alec and Magnus have their first real fight since Magnus came back.  Despite making up, Alec can't keep the lingering panic down, and Magnus realizes that he isn't the only one who has scars that need to heal.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Facing the Fear of Forever [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727038
Comments: 52
Kudos: 411





	A Fight, A Panic Attack, and A True Step Forward

**Author's Note:**

> HEY LOOK IT'S ANOTHER INSTALLMENT!!! 
> 
> (Yes I know I'm writing a lot of these, you can blame the fact that a bunch of these are bingo fills and bingo ends at the end of June, so I'm writing lots of this...) 
> 
> All right, timeline!! This is three months after Magnus has returned!! And for the first time, we get a little looksie inside Alec's head and where he's at with things! 
> 
> I'm not saying you need tissues, not like the first installment, but, uh, buckle in for some angst?

Magnus tightened his hands on the two cups of coffee as he stepped up into the house, frowning at the rain, even as he let a quick wash of magic scatter the rest of the drops from his hair as he opened the door and stepped inside, kicking his shoes off. He paused in the hallway and took a deep breath, relaxing and letting his glamour fall. 

Strange, how even three months ago this would have seemed impossible, but here he was, delivering Alexander his morning coffee before he went off to lessons with the children. He smiled faintly and headed for Alec's office, slipping in when he caught sight of Alec on the phone, sighing into it. 

"Yes, yes, I know," Alec sighed again and rubbed a hand over his face. 

Magnus raised an eyebrow, putting the coffee on the desk, watching Alec take it with a grateful smile. 

"Listen, you don't need to-" Alec cut himself off with an irritated growl and clenched his eyes shut. "I am well aware. Thank you. Yes. Thank you." 

Magnus gestured to the seat in front of Alec and was glad when Alec gave him a nod to go ahead and sit down. Magnus took an easy sip of his coffee and waited for Alec to finish listening to whoever was on the other side of the phone. 

"I'll expect your phone call in a week," Alec said, his voice deceptively cold. "If I have to chase you down again, I can promise you'll regret it." 

A brief pause and Magnus watched Alec smirk. 

"Threaten? I would never do such a thing. But may I remind you that I am perfectly capable of portaling into Alicante myself now to have this conversation face to face if you would like." Alec sighed when there was suddenly a dial tone in his ear and dropped the phone to the desk, rubbing a hand over his face. 

"You all right?" Magnus asked, watching as Alec picked up the cup of coffee and took a deep drag of it. "That didn't sound pleasant." 

"If I thought," Alec said with a huff, sinking back into the chair. "Dealing with the Clave as Inquisitor was awful, it has absolutely nothing on dealing with them now." He rubbed a hand over his face. "It doesn't help that they know that they need me, and can't afford to speak out against me, so they make my life hell in every other way possible." 

Magnus tilted his head and offered a small smile. "What is it this time?" 

"Budgeting," Alec said, gesturing to the ledger in front of him. He pushed his fingers through his hair. "When I first established things with Aline, Helen, and Jia, much of the conversation was about the amount the Clave would pay to help keep the home operational." 

Magnus raised both his eyebrows. "You got the Clave to pay...child support?" 

Alec grinned briefly and sank back in his chair. "Of sorts. Yes. And since I am very well-liked by both the downworld and the shadowhunter community for what I'm doing, they can't say anything publicly." 

Magnus laughed and shook his head, taking a sip of his coffee. "You never cease to amaze, Alexander." 

Alec gave him another tired wink. "Unfortunately, it's often that payments are lost, so I have to track them down, only to find budget denials that shouldn't exist, etc. It's a paperwork nightmare, and we actually do, you know, need the money that they're providing." 

Magnus blinked. The home needed money? 

Alec blew out a hard breath. "Don't get me wrong, Catarina, Madzie, and Oberon are more than able to donate their services, and time, but I still try to pay them when they do, and the Clave has problems with that." He sneered at the phone. "Seems they think that paying a warlock for their time is too much of a problem." 

Magnus tilted his head. "Not to know things I probably shouldn't, but the Lightwood's had a substantial fortune sitting in Alicante the last I checked. More than enough to keep this place running with some proper investing." 

Alec looked up at Magnus and then back down to the paperwork in front of him. "If I had access to any of it. Dad disowned me the second he found out I was a warlock and had me removed from not only the Lightwood family tree, but any will. The money is going almost exclusively to Max and Isabelle now." He sighed and pushed his fingers through his hair. "And like it or not, taking care of the kids is a full-time job, so it's not like I can actually establish and maintain a client base, you know?" 

Magnus blinked and considered that, looking around at the home. He knew that Alec had used their joint account to buy the property, but was he not using it for...

"How do you pay for all of this?" Magnus asked. "I mean, you're talking about maintaining a client base, so where is the money you have now coming from?" 

"Mostly," Alec said with a wince. "Donations, actually. The warlock community, especially, has been very supportive, once they realized that I wasn't doing something shady." He offered a wry grin. "Having an open-door policy to warlock visitors with prior communication helped with that. I dealt with a lot of unexpected visitors in the first few years." 

Alec blew out a hard breath. "But after about a decade, things seemed to...settle. I rescued a few more kids, brought them back here, got them taken care of. Raised them as best I could, got them settled into homes." He smiled briefly at Magnus. "I keep in touch with them, of course. A few of them are studying at the Spiral Labyrinth. I want to do that someday, too. But I've got time, and love what I'm doing here." 

Magnus stared at Alec and paused again, before asking slowly, deliberately. "You run this home entirely on donations, Alexander?" 

"Outside of the Clave payment I'm supposed to receive, yes," Alec smiled faintly. "Oberon is definitely one of our biggest supporters. Think he firmly believes in your adage of never trusting a stingy warlock. But as you can imagine, having eight or more warlock children is..." 

"Expensive," Magnus said, still confused. "May I ask a question?" 

"Sure?" Alec said, looking at Magnus, his expression confused. "What's wrong?" 

Magnus swallowed and looked around the office, for the first time noticing that while it was a comforting space, especially for Alec and the children, it was also a bit of a worn space. How much had Alec denied himself in order to give the kids everything they needed? 

"Why," Magnus started. "Why haven't you used our joint account for any of this? You know what the Clave paid me for reparations after I closed the Edom rift in Alicante, Alexander. That would have been enough money to keep this place up and running with thirty kids for a century or more." 

"I wasn't going to take your money, Magnus," Alec said, frowning. "Especially after I felt guilty enough using it to buy this place." 

Magnus' eyes sharpened as he remembered their first conversation when he'd returned, when Alec had offered him a check for significant amounts of money to pay what he'd used to purchase the property. "How did you afford to hand me the check for the cost of this property?" 

Alec swallowed, his cheeks flaming as he looked away from Magnus. "Isabelle. She'd, if you ever came back. She offered me the money to, to pay you back." 

Magnus closed his eyes and breathed through the anger. "Alexander, the money in that account was ours, of course you are welcome to use it for-" 

"This isn't money that I was using on myself to buy, buy a new sweater or a present for you, Magnus," Alec snapped, narrowing his eyes. "We're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not more and-" 

"And I have more than enough to cover that for multiple immortal lifetimes!" Magnus snapped. "I told you, I didn't even miss the money you'd used to spend on the house! I didn't even notice that my account had been used to buy the property!" 

Alec glared at Magnus. "Yes, because you were busy trying to forget anything and everything to do with all of us. I'm not surprised you didn't notice it." 

Magnus flinched back and stood up. _"Well,"_ he said, his voice stiff. "I suppose that's true enough. It doesn't change the fact that that money is partially yours." He turned to look back in Alec's direction, not meeting his eyes. "Especially considering that we are still legally married in the eyes of the law. You are welcome to it, it's half yours." 

"I'm not, I'm not going to take your money, Magnus," Alec said, clenching his hands into fists. "I had to prove that I could, that I could do this-" 

"Without me?" Magnus provided, shaking his head. "Without the resources that could have been provided to you? What did you refuse to give yourself so they could have what they needed? Was the idea of using my money so abhorrent to you?" 

Alec swallowed, standing up as well, fear settling in his stomach, dark and heavy. "Magnus, that wasn't-" 

Magnus held up a hand and shook his head again. "No, I think your actions speak for themselves." 

_"Magnus,"_ Alec breathed, his voice taking on a desperate tint. Where only minutes ago Magnus had been laughing and smiling in his office, now his shoulders were too straight and his glamour was back up. "Magnus, please." 

Magnus sighed. "I'll have my lawyers set up a trust fund for the home." 

Alec clenched his hand on the edge of the desk. "Magnus-" 

"It'll have a monthly stipend," Magnus continued. "I don't know what you spend in a month, but if you won't tell me, I'm sure that Oberon could. Or Catarina. Or perhaps you'll tell them that you don't want my money and they won't, and I'll have to guess." 

Alec bit down on his lip until he could taste blood. "Where are you going?" he whispered, well aware that his voice was shaking. His magic was snapping under his skin, scared just like he was. 

"To see my lawyer like I said," Magnus said. "I'll let the kids know that lessons are canceled for the day." 

The suffocating fear in his chest got even stronger and Alec stepped around the desk, only to watch Magnus stride for the door. He froze in the middle of the room, his eyes on the doorknob in Magnus' hand. Was this the last time that Magnus was going to stand in his office? Was he going to do this and then disappear? 

_"Magnus,"_ he whispered, knowing how broken and scared he sounded. He couldn't lose him, not now. Not after how everything had been going so good. They'd both been trying Magnus had been talking to him, opening up, and he'd even stayed over a couple of times. Things were _good._

Magnus glanced back at Alec and swallowed, biting down the apology that wanted to spring to his lips. This wasn't about him. It wasn't about him. Alec didn't want his help, his money, any of it. "I'll let you know when everything is established." 

"You'll-" Alec blurted, taking a step closer, but the feet between them seemed as deep as a chasm. "You'll...you'll come back, right?" 

Magnus didn't bother answering and opened the door, stepping into the hallway, closing it harshly behind him. He looked towards the playroom and heard the sound of the kids playing and clenched his eyes shut, angry tears gathering in his eyes. 

What was so horrible about wanting to help keep this place running? What was so horrible about wanting to use his fortune to help keep all of these kids healthy and safe? Why didn't Alec want to let him help? Magnus took a deep, shuddering breath and clenched his hands into fists. He would go and set up the trust fund, work on that translation he owed to Mathais and then he would come back here and explain to Alexander...

Magnus blinked. 

In a second, the tears were gone too, followed quickly with a wash of his magic, erasing the evidence.

He went back over his plan. He was going to set up the trust fund. Work a translation and cool off. Then come back to...

Magnus blinked again and started to smile. 

He didn't want to _run._

The urge to run, to leave all of this behind because he'd messed up, he'd screwed up, it wasn't _there._ He wanted to stay and fix it more than he wanted to run from it. Magnus pressed his hand to his mouth, his breath coming in shaky heaves as he realized that his first instinct had been to want to fix things, not run from them. 

A stupidly giddy laugh escaped around his hand and Magnus spun around, slamming the door to Alec's office open, before shutting it again. Alec's tear-filled and surprised eyes met his and Magnus strode towards him, around the desk and threw his arms around Alec's shoulders, holding on as tight as he could. 

"M-Magnus?" Alec stuttered, his eyes wide as he reached up to steady Magnus, the way he'd throw himself closer. "You, you-" 

"I," Magnus said, pulling back to look at Alec, dropping his glamour without a sound. "Am angry. And I am going to go for a walk, because I am frustrated as hell with your stubborn ass, and I want ice cream and a very large, topping heavy hot dog. I have more money than Midas and my name is on the outside of the building and you are going to _let me help you,"_ he growled. 

Alec blinked in surprise at the outburst and stared at Magnus. "Wh-what...?" 

Magnus took a deep breath and stared at Alec, reaching out to cup his face in his palms, pulling him in closer to kiss his forehead. "Do you know what I thought the second I walked out that door?" 

"No?" Alec whispered, reaching out to tangle his fingers in the loose fabric of Magnus' jacket, afraid that he was going to disappear if he didn't hold on. 

"I thought about how I was going to set up that trust fund. Then I was going to go work on that translation I have been complaining about for weeks while I cooled off. And then I was going to come back and convince you to let me help," Magnus said, staring at Alec, waiting for him to get it. When no recognition and understanding entered Alec's eyes, Magnus sighed and offered him a small smile. 

"Alexander," Magnus said, reaching out to brush the tear tracks away from Alec's cheeks. "For the first time, since I can remember, my first instinct, after fighting with someone I cared about, was not to _run."_

Alec blinked, his eyes widening as he stared at Magnus. "You didn't...?" 

Magnus shook his head. "No. Take a walk to cool off because I know I'm irritated? Yes." He took a deep breath and let out a relieved laugh. "But I didn't want to run, Alec, and realizing that...fuck. I can't even remember why I was angry in the first place." 

Alec swallowed and tightened his hands in Magnus' jacket, well-aware he was giving it wrinkles as he leaned in and pressed his forehead against Magnus' chest. An unsteady breath escaped him and he was glad when Magnus held on tight to him, letting him breathe through the fear, and the worry, and the concern. "It's not that I don't want your help, Magnus." 

"Okay," Magnus said, pulling back to look at him. "I'm guessing that the piece I didn't give you enough time to articulate was that you didn't want to depend on any one person for the support of this home. And that, with a substantial fortune behind you, would also give the Clave reasons to deny their support." 

Alec nodded against the fine silk fabric of Magnus' shirt. A few more tears escaped and he breathed out hard when Magnus' fingers tangled into his hair and started rubbing and massaging gently at his scalp. 

"Right," Magnus said, blowing out a hard breath. "I am sorry for not listening and for taking it personally that you didn't want my help." 

"I'm sorry for what I said about forgetting us," Alec whispered. "I didn't mean it. I just-" 

"Hey," Magnus said, giving Alec a gentle tug on his hair to make the other warlock look at him. "It was the truth. I don't like it, and yes, it hurts, but it hurts because it is true." 

Alec swallowed and gave another small nod. "I'm still sorry." 

"Alexander," Magnus said, shifting so he could slide into Alec's lap, waiting for his eyes to meet his. "Listen to me. You know how you have talked to me about communicating better, and how we're working on some of my issues?" 

Alec nodded, glad when Magnus cupped his face in his hand, leaning into the familiar touch with a low exhale. "Of course." 

"Well, allow me, as the overly experienced one in this relationship to give you a bit of a protip," Magnus teased, glad when he got a hint of a smile out of Alec. "Couples like us, who are opinionated, passionate, and sometimes very stubborn, are going to fight. It is an inevitability." 

Alec blew out a hard breath. "You always hated it when we fought. Before." 

Magnus hummed and nodded. "I was afraid that one day, they would decide to make you leave." 

"Right," Alec whispered, wrapping his arms around Magnus' waist again. "But you know that I won't now?" 

"Which is why I'm telling you that we're going to fight. Fighting is okay. It's even healthy, in some cases, to have disagreements. It's how you handle the fight that matters," Magnus continued, smiling at Alec. 

Alec exhaled hard and nodded, pressing another kiss to Magnus' shoulder. "By not running away?" 

"That," Magnus agreed, leaning into Alec. "Talking through the fight, what happened, how you prevent it from happening again, that sort of thing." 

Alec nodded. "You scared me," he whispered. "I thought, I thought you were-" 

Magnus shook his head. "I might have taken a day to cool off. Gone drinking with Catarina. But I'm not going to go, Alexander. I made you a promise, and I fully intend to keep it." 

"Right," Alec said. "Sorry. It's...I don't know why I didn’t remember that," he admitted, his voice going a bit hoarse. 

"It’s okay," Magnus said, reaching out to hug Alec again. "That's why I turned around and came back in here rather than stomping off to cool off. I didn't want you to think that I was gone for one more second than you had to." 

"Thank you," Alec whispered, something loosening in his chest at the admission. "If you want to go stalk off angrily now, you can," he offered. 

"Honestly," Magnus said with a mumble into Alec's collar bone. "I just really want that hot dog. I'll summon them for lunch, how about that?" 

"Sounds great," Alec said. He closed his eyes and relaxed, glad that Magnus had crawled as close as he had, and that the two of them were tangled together in a massive knot of limbs. "Will having a trust fund keep the Clave from being able to see it?" 

Magnus hummed and opened his eyes lazily from where he was nuzzling into Alec's neck. Something had changed. His magic felt more settled, but Alec's was still a bit off, but it seemed to be settling slowly. He relaxed and thought about the question as he stayed in the circle of Alec's arms. "Yes. If it's set up right, it should register no different on your ledgers than any donations from Oberon, or any other warlocks." 

"That sounds great," Alec said. "It would be nice not to have to worry on the days they're playing the political bullshit game." 

Magnus nodded. "And it gives you leverage over them. Imagine if the Clave found out another anonymous entity was being more generous than they were?" 

Alec burst out laughing, the last of the tension leaving his shoulders. "They'd throw a fit and a half." 

"Of course they would," Magnus agreed, smiling. "But it would be entertaining to watch you throw that at them, mostly just to see how they'd react." 

"They would hate it so much," Alec said, still grinning. "But that might be fun to try." 

Magnus nodded with another smile, magicking his coffee into his hands, taking another sip of it, even as he stayed curled against Alexander. "They always deserve a good ass-kicking, especially from time to time." 

Alec snorted. "I agree. Trust me, some things don't change? And that's one of them. Aline and Helen have done an amazing job, but old farts are still old farts I am afraid." 

"Refreshing in some ways that certain things don't change," Magnus said. 

"I suppose," Alec allowed. 

Silence drifted over both of them as they slowly sipped their coffee. Magnus could hear Anna starting to wrangle the children that were getting louder and louder in the playroom, squeals, and sparks of magic escaping the room. He knew he had to go help corral them soon, but that would mean leaving the circle of Alec's arms and he didn't want to do that. 

"Alexander?" Magnus asked, his voice soft. 

"Hmm?" Alec opened his eyes and pressed his nose a little harder against Magnus' neck. "Everything okay?" 

Magnus took a deep breath and relaxed back into the hold of his arms. "I want to promise you something." 

Alec blinked his eyes open properly and focused on Magnus. "You do? What's that?" 

"I promise that, when and if you're ready for more, to maybe try going on a date, I'll say yes," Magnus said simply, twisting to meet Alec's bright blue eyes. The now-familiar warlock mark was shining and he smiled, leaning back against Alec's neck. 

"I..." Alec swallowed, tears threatening in his eyes as he tightened his arms around Magnus. "You're sure?" 

Magnus nodded. "I am. I don't want to be apart from you ever again, Alexander." He smiled faintly. "So when you're ready, you won't have to wonder about my answer. I'm going to say yes." He slid off of Alec's lap and gave a slow stretch, well-aware that his shirt rode up and Alec's eyes dropped to the skin revealed. He grinned when Alec's guilty eyes met his. 

_"Tease,"_ Alec grumbled, huffing and crossing his hands over his chest. 

"As though you don't remember how to tease me right back," Magnus said, winking at him. "I see you flexing those biceps." 

Alec snorted and met Magnus' eyes, his magic calming at the certainty in them. Magnus meant it. When he was ready, he already knew the answer. "I love you," he said, his voice soft and certain. That had never changed, and never would change. 

Magnus gathered a small spark of pink magic into his palm and pressed a kiss to it before blowing it towards Alec, watching as the kiss hit his cheek in an explosion of sparks. Alec's wide eyes and bright blush made the gesture well worth it. "I love you too, oh ye stubborn asshole. Enjoy your paperwork hell. I'll be with the kids until lunch." 

This time, when the door shut behind Magnus, Alec smiled. Magnus had left the door cracked, knowing that he liked to hear and sometimes listen to the lessons he was teaching. Alec blew out a hard breath and pressed his fingers to the side of his cheek as he chewed on his lips. 

~!~

"What's put that stupid expression on your face?" Madzie asked as she put her hands on her hips. "Or did you forget that I'm doing ward updates today?" 

"I did forget," Alec said, shaking himself as he stood up and smiled at her. "I'm sorry, it was a...hectic morning." 

Madzie raised both of her eyebrows and felt Alec follow her out to the front of the house. She reached out to touch the wards and smiled when the magic hummed along her fingertips. "Look at Magnus, thinking I won't notice," she grumbled, making a mental note to tease him about the extra protections he had added to her wards. 

"Is something wrong?" Alec asked, frowning as he turned to the wards. 

"Wrong? No," Madzie said, smiling. "But we're gonna have words about him not trusting my warding enough." 

Alec frowned. "He trusts you implicitly." He looked back at the wards and now that he was looking for it, he could see what Madzie meant. There were extra protections layered over the ones that she had put into place. He tilted his head and studied them before flushing as he realized exactly what was written into the wards. **Home, Love, Heart, Protection,** all of it woven in as clear as the wards themselves.

Madzie snorted and shook her head, rolling her eyes. "Only Magnus would write a love letter with wards." She finished her work and dusted off her hands. "Come on, let's go look at the other three nodes. I have no doubt that Magnus did the same to them, and, knowing him and guessing at the spell that he used, he probably created another central node that's feeding the power increase to mine." 

Alec blinked and stared at her in surprise. "He can do that?" 

Madzie chuckled and stared at Alec. "Alec, you can't feel that your wards are now tied into the ley lines directly? They'll never go down, now. Even if they wore down, the protections Magnus has put into place are substantial and they're powered as long as the ley lines themselves have power." 

Alec swallowed and followed Madzie to the next ward node that was located in the kitchen and watched her do her work, turning that over in his head. "Why didn't he tell me? 

“Probably embarrassed. Or he didn’t want me to give him shit, hoping I wouldn’t notice by tying it into mine,” Madzie said with a huff. “But it’s clear how much he wants to protect all of you. These are powerful spells, Alec. Especially tying them to the ley lines. That’s not something I know how to do, or the warlocks in the Spiral Labyrinth.” 

Now that he was looking for it, it was obvious to see Magnus’ touch on the wards, and how they pulsed with power, strong and ready to protect those sheltered within. “Is that often the case with warlocks?” he asked, following her towards one of the corner bedrooms, one of the unused ones, her hands moving in familiar motions. 

Madzie hummed. “Most warlocks have signature spells. Things they’ve invented or designed that they can then sell to others. So in that case, no, not particularly. However…” she paused and pressed her fingers to the wards, all of them lighting up under the subtle push of her magic, showing the extensive webbing along the walls of the house. “Magnus is and always has been a cut above when it comes to things like that. Not just anyone could have invented the portal.” 

“Right,” Alec said, his voice hoarse as he reached out to touch the wards. They flared gold under his touch, focusing around his hand and he blinked in surprise and looked at Madzie. 

Madzie huffed and rolled her eyes. “Love letters. _Honestly.”_ She waved a hand and more strands became visible, draped over the both of them. “The protection doesn’t extend to just the house. It extends to  _ us, _ Alec. I would bet that each of the kids looks exactly like both of us.” 

“Magnus did all of this?” Alec whispered, looking at the strands hanging off of him before they started to fade from sight. 

“Why do you sound so surprised?” Madzie asked with a laugh. “He’s been chasing after you like a puppy for months now, Alec. I don’t think anyone would be surprised to know that he’s done this, to keep you and your home safe.” 

As they walked towards the fourth and final node in the attic, Alec found himself unable to keep the words in. “We fought. Earlier today.” 

Madzie’s eyes were immediately sharp, flying over to Alec. “What about?” 

Alec swallowed, remembering their raised voices, the way that Magnus had walked through the door and closed it behind him. “Money. He didn’t realize I operated off donations and offered to, to pay for things and-” 

“Mom and I have been telling you to use his money for this for years,” Madzie said, raising her eyebrows. 

Alec huffed in frustration. “I know. I know you have, but it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t let him just, just come in and do everything for me.” 

Madzie dropped her hands from the wards and leaned against the wall in the attic, studying him. “Why not?” 

Alec blinked and stared at her. “What do you mean why not?” 

Madzie shrugged. “Magnus is rich, Alec. He could buy anything and everything you need for this home, and for ten more homes, if you wanted it. How many children could you take in across the world if it was more than just you, just us?” 

Alec’s mouth went dry. “I couldn’t…” 

“Do you think he has a better use for his money? He buys whatever he wants whenever he wants it, Alec,” Madzie said. “I understand having your pride and not wanting him to come in and fix your problems, but there’s a difference between removing stress from your life that you don’t need, and taking things over.” 

Alec swallowed and looked down at the floor. 

Madzie huffed and blew out a hard breath. “Yeah, I’m guessing that went over like a lead balloon between the both of you. So you’re, you’re what? Fighting? Not talking?” 

“No,” Alec said, frowning, crossing his arms over his chest. “That was the weird thing. We, we were both angry, and he said something about setting up a trust fund and he went to leave and-” He clenched his eyes shut and tried to breathe, remembering the fear that had choked him, wondering if that was the last time he’d see Magnus, if he’d scared him away for good. 

“Have you talked to Magnus about _that?”_ Madzie asked, her voice soft. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Alec said, shaking his head. “Besides, it’s a stupid fear. He said he’s going to stay, and he has stayed. I don’t need to worry anymore.” 

Madzie hummed. “You’re the one who taught me that fear isn’t always rational, Alec. If he doesn’t know that you’re afraid of that, how can he help?” 

Alec scowled. “I don’t need him to help! I need to get over it. He’s back. He’s-” his voice broke and he paused, swallowing hard, forcing himself to keep going. “He’s going to stay, Madzie, I don’t need to worry anymore. I just, I need to get  _ over _ it.” 

“Alec,” Madzie said, stepping closer to him. “You’re doing exactly what Magnus did to you - hiding from him. You have to tell him. He needs to know how you felt when he walked out that door.” 

“He doesn’t need anything else to feel guilty about!” Alec growled. “I’m already trying not to get him to blame himself for everything-” 

“Alec,” Madzie interrupted. She sighed and put her hands on her hips.  _ “Men,” _ she growled. “Do you remember what you used to tell me when you’d babysit me and I was having nightmares about Iris?” 

Alec stared at Madzie, an uncomfortable feeling creeping over his shoulders. “Maybe?” 

“You used to tell me that even though I knew it was safe, that even though I knew you, and Mom, and everyone else, wouldn’t let anyone hurt me, it was okay to still be scared. Because I’d gone through something awful, and sometimes, the only thing that can fix that is time,” Madzie said, her voice softening. 

“Yeah,” Alec said, his voice dropping. “I remember.” 

Madzie reached out and squeezed Alec’s arm. “I know you’ve forgiven him, because you understand. But that doesn’t change the trauma you went through Alec. You still flinch at door slams, even forty-two years later.” 

“Madzie-” 

“It’s not guilting him if you’re being honest about the fact that you damn near have a panic attack every time he walks out a door and you don’t know if he’s coming back,” Madzie said, her tone gaining a level of fierceness. “I don’t know how he can help you get over that, or change how you feel, Alec, but he deserves to know. If only so you don’t have a repeat of today.” 

Alec bit down on his lip and nodded. “I, I can try. I just don’t want him to feel guilty about anything else and-” 

Madzie sighed. “Alec. Do you think he’ll feel guiltier finding out about it now, or a year down the line when he finally notices and realizes you kept it from him?” 

“I told him it upset me,” Alec mumbled, his voice sullen. “He said that’s why he turned around. He didn’t want me to think he was gone.” 

“While I am relieved to hear that Magnus is not a complete fucking idiot,” Madzie said in a huff. “That’s a far cry from the conversation you need to have with him, and you know it.” 

Alec narrowed his eyes at her. “Stop lecturing me, I’m older than you.” 

“You’re also dumber than me, so you’re earning the lecture,” she said, turning to head back downstairs. “Come on, let’s go look at the main node Magnus added. Also you need to tell me what Magnus did to make sure you aren’t fighting?” 

Sighing, Alec nodded. “Yeah. He came back, almost right away.” 

Madzie hummed. “Tell me everything,” she ordered. 

So he did. And by the end of it, standing next to his bedroom, the new node between the both of them that was tied to every single strand in the home with a direct connection to the ley lines, Alec was exhausted. He wanted to lay down and sleep for hours. 

“On one hand,” Madzie said with a huff, lowering her hands at last. “I am very glad he went ahead and established a yes for you so you don’t need to worry about that.” She turned back to Alec and tapped her jaw. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you need to tell him about the panic attacks.” 

Alec shook his head. “I’m too damn tired for it,” he muttered, pushing his fingers through his hair. After everything this morning, then the conversation with Madzie, all he wanted was to sleep for hours and not move. He sighed again and looked at her. “If you’re done, I’ll have your payment sent to you and-” 

“Alec,” Madzie said with a huff. “You know you don’t need to-” 

“Not today,” Alec snapped, glaring at her. “I’m not fighting with you about money today, Madzie. I’ll send it. Then I’m going to go lay down.” He pressed his fingers to his temple and rubbed, hoping to soothe the ache that kept growing. 

Madzie sighed and gave him a shove with her shoulder. “Go lay down. Paying me can wait until you aren’t in pain. I’ll go help Magnus with the kids and we’ll get lunch sorted.” 

A small sigh of relief left him and Alec gave Madzie a nod. “All right. I can do that.” He gave Madzie a small push towards the stairs and turned back towards his room, opening the door. With a wave of his hand, the temperature dropped several degrees and the lights were all winked out, and the sunlight was dampened. 

Alec managed to kick off his shoes and socks before he stripped off his shirt and his pants, leaving them in a pile on the floor. He’d deal with them tomorrow, or, or later. Probably later. He climbed into bed and immediately buried his face in the pillow with a groan. The cool sheets felt like heaven against his skin and Alec closed his eyes and relaxed, breathing slowly. 

He just needed a couple of hours of sleep. A couple of hours of sleep and then he could have lunch with Magnus, and they’d laugh and everything would be  _ fine. _ Everything would be… 

~!~ 

Alec woke to the sensation of long fingers combing carefully through his hair. He made a quiet noise, low in his throat, and pushed his head towards the fingers, wanting more of the gentle touch. The long fingers kept up the petting, scratching at his scalp, and Alec sagged into the pillows again, curling closer towards the hand stroking his hair. 

“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere,” Magnus whispered. He shifted, just a little, letting Alec curl closer and continued carding his fingers through Alec's hair. 

Alec closed his eyes and shifted closer until he was pressed up against Magnus’ side, nuzzling against the bright blue silk of his shirt. Magnus was here. Magnus hadn’t  _ left. _ They were going to be okay. “Kids okay?” he murmured. 

“Madzie and Anna are watching them,” Magnus said. “Madzie told me to come to take care of you.” 

Alec sighed and let Magnus keep petting his hair, listening to the steady beat of his heart in his chest. He could just dismiss it, he didn’t need to answer, he didn’t need to say anything. He was okay. Magnus was still here, everything was going to be fine. He reached out and tentatively wrapped an arm around Magnus’ waist, holding onto him, breathing out slowly. “M’fine.” 

Magnus hummed. “Do you want me to let you get away with that fib? I can, if it’s what you want. But you have a magical stress headache that’s bad enough that I can practically feel the pain bleeding off of you.” 

The reminder of the pain brought it back, and that’s when he realized that Magnus was keeping it at bay, cool blue magic leaking from his fingertips with every swipe through his hair. Alec sighed again and pressed his face a little tighter to Magnus’ chest. “I don’t know,” he whispered. He tightened his fingers in the silk shirt at Magnus’ back and exhaled heavily against him. 

“Okay,” Magnus said. “We’ll stay here as long as you need.” 

Alec bit down the part of him that wanted to demand that they stay right where they were _forever._ Not for a day, or a minute, or an hour. _**Forever.**_ But that was ridiculous. He’d take this, for now, because it was good enough. It would be good enough. It had to be. “Okay,” he managed, clenching his eyes shut. 

Alec didn’t know how long it was before they drifted off, or how long they stayed curled together, but when he woke up, he realized just how much he’d missed this. Waking up wrapped in Magnus’ arms. Or the reverse. The few nights they’d done that over the past few months hadn’t been enough, not when he wanted it every single night. 

A muffled sob escaped him before he could stop it and he felt Magnus jolt awake around him and Alec scrambled to hold onto Magnus before he could move away as he tried to breathe, clenching his eyes shut, hot tears gathering in his eyes. Fuck, he needed to stop this, he had to stop, Magnus was  _ here,  _ everything was fine, there was no reason for him to be- 

“Alexander?” Magnus asked, keeping his voice as soft as he could. Alec was still clinging desperately to him, but now his body was shaking with the force of unshed tears. 

“I’m fine,” Alec forced out, trying to breathe, his chest heaving, his mind racing. He couldn’t get the image of Magnus walking out the door without looking at him out of his mind, and he couldn’t stop seeing Magnus shoving him out the door and into a portal, slamming the door behind him. It was okay, Magnus was here, it was okay. “I’m fine, Magnus, I’m fine,” he repeated. Maybe if he said it enough it would be true. 

Magnus shifted just a fraction closer so he could rub his hand up and down Alec’s back in slow sweeps and pressed a kiss to the top of Alec’s head. “Alexander, darling. This is not okay. Can you tell me what happened?” 

_ Magnus’ eyes going cold at the sight of his warlock mark. Magnus ordering him to get out. Magnus throwing the duffle into his chest and shoving him out of his home. Magnus slamming the door behind him just before the portal closed. The elevator door closing on Magnus as he left. Magnus disappearing into a portal.  _ Always leaving him behind, always leaving him to chase, to pick up the pieces. 

Alec could feel the tears now, pouring down his face in wet, hot streaks, even as he clung to Magnus, desperately afraid to let him go. He opened his mouth to repeat that he was fine, and another sob escaped. He had to be okay, he had to be okay, or Magnus might leave, or Magnus wouldn’t stay, or he’d find someone better who wasn’t so broken and- 

“It’s all right,” Magnus whispered into Alec’s hair, rubbing his back, holding him close. “It’s okay, Alexander, cry all you need to, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” 

Magnus always left. Alec knew he deserved it. Magnus should have someone so much better, someone who wasn’t broken and trying to survive. He had to be better, or Magnus wasn’t going to stay, and that was all he wanted, was for Magnus to _stay._ Alec fought to breathe, to try to speak, but the words were caught in his chest behind the tears that couldn’t seem to stop. 

“It’s okay,” Magnus repeated, cradling Alec against him. His whole frame was crumpled like he wanted to collapse in on himself and the tenseness in his shoulders was a dead giveaway for how upset Alec still was. “It’s going to be okay, Alexander. Whatever it is, we’ll fix it. I promise. I’m going to be right here, to fix it with you.” 

Alec wanted to scream and rail against the words. There was no fixing this, fixing _him._ How long would Magnus stay before he didn’t want to try to fix things anymore? Before Magnus realized how broken he really was now? Before Magnus realized that he wasn’t okay, and was just desperately lonely, scared, and afraid? Magnus deserved better. The kids deserved better. 

“I’m here, Alexander,” Magnus said again, tears gathering in his eyes as he listened to Alec cry, soul-deep sobs wracking his shoulders and body. In all their time together he’d never heard Alec cry like this. “I’m here, Alec. I promise I’m here.” The words became a mantra, repeating them over and over again until Alec’s sobs finally trickled down to quieter tears. He didn’t let go, holding onto Alec as tightly as he dared. 

Alec didn’t know how long it took him to calm down, Magnus’ voice washing over him like a blanket, quiet reassurances meant to help, to support. He took a deep breath, now that he could again and forced his hand at Magnus’ back to loosen, to let go of the shirt he’d bunched between his fingers. “Sorry,” he whispered. His voice was hoarse, so he pulled back just enough to conjure himself a glass of water and sipped it, keeping his eyes shut so he didn’t have to look at Magnus, at the pity in his eyes. 

“There’s nothing to apologize for, Alexander,” Magnus started quietly, gently tugging Alec close again when he’d finished the water, his worry increasing when Alec barely resisted him. “You’ve done the same for me the past few months, and we’re getting better about supporting each other, aren’t we?” 

Alec managed a small nod, pressing his face against Magnus’ chest again, listening to the steady beat of his heart. “Yeah,” he admitted. “We are.” 

Magnus smiled against Alec’s hair and started rubbing his back again. “Okay. Good. When you’re ready, do you think you can tell me what happened?” 

Alec tensed, his magic snapping around his fingers before he reigned it in, back under control with a shaky deep breath. “I...it’s…” 

“Please don’t say nothing, Alexander,” Magnus whispered. “Something is wrong and I don’t know if it’s something I did.” 

He knew the sentence he needed to say. It was on the edge of his tongue. Simple words, that Catarina had forced from him the last time he’d had a panic attack and hadn’t been able to care for the kids. He took a deep breath, making his chest ache and tried to focus. 

Magnus tightened his arm around Alec, holding him as close as he dared. “You haven’t run away from me when I’ve told you about my past, Alexander. Whatever it is, I’m not going to run.” 

Alec swallowed again and forced himself to take a deep breath. “I, I have panic attacks sometimes,” he managed to get out. “Not, not as often as I used to.” 

“Okay,” Magnus said, tightening his arms around Alec in a brief hug. “Something happened to set off your panic attack?” 

“Yes,” Alec answered, tightening his hands in Magnus’ shirt again, his magic coiling inside him, anxious and afraid. Even now he could see Magnus turning, his face cold and closed off, slamming the door behind him, and he sucked in a slow, heavy breath. 

Magnus let Alec take a few more deep breaths before venturing. “I’m guessing it was something I did?” 

“You didn’t mean to!” Alec protested immediately, pulling back to meet Magnus’ eyes. “It’s not your fault, and I certainly know it wasn’t what you-” 

“Alexander,” Magnus interrupted. “You don’t have to explain, darling. But I do need you to tell me what I did so I don’t do it again, okay?” 

Alec swallowed and bit down on his lip, cuddling into Magnus again, this time pressing his face to the smooth skin of Magnus’ neck. He took one breath. Then another. Then _another._ Magnus was waiting, oh-so-patiently, his hand moving in slow sweeps up and down his back. Magnus just wanted to know so he could avoid doing it again. He was being so patient. So patient and so good, so he just needed to say the words. 

“Door slams,” Alec managed to croak out. “Slamming the door. It, it always makes me think of when, when you pushed me out and-” he cut himself off and struggled to take another deep breath, the pressure on his chest tightening. “And then the expression on your face, it was the same as before and I, I got so scared because I’d yelled and pushed you away, and then the door and, and, _fuck,”_ Alec swore, clenching his eyes shut again. 

“Hey,” Magnus said, keeping his voice gentle. “It’s okay. Is that everything?” 

Alec managed another small nod, glad when Magnus didn’t let go of him, and instead kept him close. _“Yes.”_

“Okay,” Magnus said, pressing a kiss to the top of Alec’s head. “Thank you for telling me, Alexander. I’m not mad or upset, and I’m not going anywhere, okay?” 

Alec exhaled hard, his grip on Magnus loosening a fraction. “Okay,” he repeated back, relaxing a fraction. 

Magnus took a deep breath. “All right. So, a couple of things, if you can talk about it. If not, try to at least nod or shake your head for me, okay?” 

Alec nodded. 

Magnus nuzzled Alec’s hair and gave him another brief squeeze of a hug. “There’s a mundane solution to door slamming. I’ve seen it in some houses. I’m going to go look it up later and see if I can implement it on all our doors. No more slamming. How’s that sound?” 

“Great,” Alec breathed. “Would, would help a lot. The doors still close, right?” 

“Yes. They just won’t slam. There’s a mechanism that stops the slam, but then pulls them the rest of the way shut,” Magnus explained. Better to tackle the easy and obvious one first. 

Another nod. “That sounds great.” 

“On to the tough stuff,” Magnus said, closing his eyes as he felt Alec tense again. “I will never be able to apologize enough for what I did and how I ended things, Alexander.” He sighed and ordered himself to remember that this part was about Alec, not him. “I can’t go back and change that, but I can try to make sure they never happen again.” He gently rubbed Alec’s back. “So I will make sure I do not slam doors behind me, no matter where we are.” 

Magnus forced himself to take another deep breath when Alec was quiet and didn’t say anything. “I also can’t promise I will never get angry at you. I don’t think that’s realistic, and would only upset us both in the long run when I failed.” 

“I know that,” Alec muttered against Magnus’ skin. “I don’t need you to treat me with kid gloves, Magnus.” 

“No,” Magnus said with a chuckle. “I don’t think either of us needs to be treated with kid gloves.” He paused, before continuing. “But I do think I can be more cognizant of telling you when I need to cool off. I should have answered you before I left. Telling you yes, I’m coming back, I’m just pissed and need to take a walk isn’t a perfect solution, but it’s better than what happened, I think?” 

“That would definitely help,” Alec agreed. He relaxed further and exhaled hard. “I...could you…” he swallowed. 

Magnus waited, but no further words from Alec seemed to be appearing. “Is there something else I could do to help, Alexander?” 

What if it was too soon? What if Magnus liked his space and wanted to stay in the loft? What if Magnus said no? Alec remembered the first time he had asked to move in with Magnus and how his eyes had gone soft and just a tiny bit pitying and-

“Alexander,” Magnus said, calling his name again. “If I can help, I want to.” 

Alec sighed and resigned himself to hearing Magnus tell him no. At least he’d be kind about it. He always was when he did stupid shit like this. “Can….” Alec blew out a hard breath and forced the words out. “Can you stay? A few nights a week?” he muttered into Magnus’ neck, chewing on his lower lip in guilt. “I just, it’d...it’d help.” 

Magnus blinked in surprise, his mouth going dry. “Alexander, I-” 

Alec tensed and flinched back, tugging himself out of Magnus’ arms even though his magic ached to be separated from him as he stood up, grabbing his jeans and shirt, tugging them on in frantic, harsh motions. “Forget it, forget I asked,” he rushed, pushing his fingers through his hair. “We should go check on the kids, I’m sure they’re worried and-” 

Magnus rolled out of Alec’s bed and got in front of him, reaching out to press a hand to the center of his chest. “Alexander!” 

Alec froze and stared at Magnus, then dropped his eyes to the floor, resisting the urge to fidget under the stern look. “Yeah?” 

Magnus softened and slid his hand up, along Alec’s shoulder, reaching up to cup his face. _“Alexander._ Look at me.” 

Alec leaned into the touch of Magnus’ hand and his eyes fluttered before he met Magnus’ eyes again. “Sorry,” he muttered. “Won’t ask again.” 

Magnus smiled and rubbed his thumb along Alec’s cheek. “You didn’t even let me answer the question, Alec.” 

“Yes, I did…” Alec blinked and thought back. He’d assumed Magnus’ silence had meant a rejection. He flushed and winced. “Shit. Sorry.” 

“I have been sleeping terribly for the better part of a month because now that I’ve fallen asleep with you a few times, sleeping on my own is impossibly difficult,” Magnus admitted. “I want nothing more than to spend every night I can with you, Alexander, but I wasn’t going to push for something you weren’t ready for.” 

“I…” Blinking again, Alec stared at Magnus, hope soaring in his chest as Magnus started to smile. “You’ll stay? You’ll, you’ll-” 

Magnus nodded, his smile growing even wider as Alec yanked him into his arms. “As often as you want, Alexander.” 

Alec let out a harsh exhale, tightening his arms around Magnus. _“Always,_ fuck, always want you here,” he blurted, curving his entire body around the other warlock. 

Magnus huffed out a laugh, pressing his face against Alec, holding onto him just as tight. “I can do that,” he promised. “But if it’s going to be always, I’m definitely bringing some of my pillows. You’ve learned to pick out a good pair of sheets, but you need better pillows.” 

Alec snorted, a smile starting. “You and your pillow fetish,” he muttered. 

“I do not have a pillow fetish,” Magnus shot back, the familiar argument enough to soothe the last concerns still floating over the both of them. He held onto Alec tighter, giving him one last squeeze before he pulled back to look up at Alec. “Alec?” 

“Mmm?” Alec focused on Magnus and raised his eyebrows. 

Magnus reached out and took his hands, giving them a squeeze. “It’s okay if you’re not okay too, sometimes. We’re both working on being better. But you don’t always have to be okay. I’m gonna be here through the good times, and the bad ones, okay?” 

Alec took a shaky breath and nodded. “I’ll try to remember that.” 

Magnus smiled at him and leaned up, pressing a kiss to Alec’s cheek. “Like you keep telling me, all I’m asking is for you to try, darling.” 

“Ha,” Alec said, a small smile appearing. “You got me there. Okay. I can do that, Magnus.” 

“Okay,” Magnus said, squeezing Alec’s hands again. “Ready to head back downstairs?” 

Alec reached out and tugged Magnus into his arms again, hugging him tight. “Magnus?” 

Magnus nuzzled into Alec’s shoulder. “Hmm?” 

“I promise I’ll be ready soon,” Alec whispered. 

Magnus gave a shaky inhale and smiled against the soft fabric of Alec’s t-shirt. “Take your time, Alexander. We have time. And I’m not going anywhere.” 

Alec smiled and huffed out a small laugh. “Good,” he whispered, tightening his arms around Magnus. _“Good.”_

~!~

The next day, Alec was in his office when Magnus poked his head in and winked at him before turning his attention to the door. He blinked in confusion and stared as Magnus waved his hands and there was suddenly something on the top of his door. "What's that?" 

"What we talked about," Magnus said, his voice triumphant. "I just got done installing them in the rest of the house." He turned back to Alec with a bright grin. _"Watch,"_ he said, his voice eager. 

Alec watched Magnus pull the door back and go to slam it, his body flinching on instinct, waiting for the loud echoing noise, but there was nothing, except a few extended seconds later, a click indicating the door had been shut. He blinked and stared at the door, his eyes widening. "It didn't slam..." he whispered. 

"Nope!" Magnus said, grinning. "And now not a single door in the house will slam!" 

Alec swallowed hard, staring at the door in shock, tears gathering in his eyes. Such a small, _stupid_ thing, but Magnus had taken care of it, had made sure it was fixed, that he wouldn't have to _worry_ about it. 

"Alec," Magnus called, taking a step towards where Alec was sitting behind his desk, a hand pressed to his face. "Is, is it okay?" 

Alec stood up from his desk in a rush and wrapped Magnus up in the tightest hug that he could, laughing as he spun Magnus around in a circle. "It's perfect," he managed, depositing Magnus back on his feet with a grin. He cupped Magnus' face in his hands and kissed his forehead, letting his lips linger against Magnus' skin, resisting the urge to kiss him properly. Not _yet._ Soon, but not yet. "It's perfect, Magnus." 

Magnus relaxed and leaned into Alec with a smile and a grin. "I'm glad. Now, I think, after yesterday, we've both earned a fun day, what do you think?" 

Alec raised both of his eyebrows. "What exactly are you thinking?" 

"You'll see!" 

Two hours later, watching the kids put on a theatre show, decked out in a wide variety of clothes and jewelry from Magnus' closet, Alec couldn't remember the last time he had laughed so hard. The best part of it all, though, was Magnus' fingers, tangled with his, and his husband pressed up against his side as they watched the kids laugh and play together. 

**Author's Note:**

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